I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
crochet youtube is brutal
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
car not found
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
blocked.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.