Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
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shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
my first day as a raccoon
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.