2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
#Caturday
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
That was easy.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.