me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My what?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it