I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I hate everything