“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
im 7 sauces long
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
the prophecies have been fulfilled
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Friday night party time 🥳
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶