Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.