They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Mornin. * use accordingly
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’