You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.