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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
much to think about
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*