1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
This could’ve been an email.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”