NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Its true…
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”