15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words