If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
You Might Also Like
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.