What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Y’all know who you are.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs