i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
You Might Also Like
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
When you don’t understand how floors work
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.