My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
happy valentine’s day to me
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG