The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Don’t touch that.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure