[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
You Might Also Like
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL