women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.