so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.