[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
You Might Also Like
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.