Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.