Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream