I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
File under excellent bookstore names.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*