Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?