I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
They’re the worst 😩
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
These aliens are taking forever.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.