[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
dream blunt rotation
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog