It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
CUTE CAT‼︎
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
the last thing a carrot sees
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.