your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.