I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold