“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
You Might Also Like
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.