Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.