1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
You Might Also Like
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Not my job 😂
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The human personality is made of five key elements