Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Dune (2021)
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
That’s enough internet for the day
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”