Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
You Might Also Like
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
the simulation is moving too fast
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.