I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
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Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
my mind
You just read my mind
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.