Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Same pineapple, same
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America