presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
peak technology
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*