My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.