If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Ha.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon