*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what