Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason