Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.