hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
hmmm
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection