burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.