I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”