Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I’m Sold!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.