Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!