In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Saturday